I’ve been waiting for the day where I could say I was completing my last year of school ever and living on my own and supporting myself and I thought I would rejoice when it happened, but now that it has I’m terrified.
So much change has happened all at once, and I’m usually able to adapt but I’ve just been left feeling so overwhelmed and stressed out lately.
In the past three months, I’ve found an apartment with two of my best friends and committed to paying 330ish a month, I found out that the company I’m working for has been bought out and that starting in July, I may not have a job, I’ll be working close to 40 hours a week on top of school, holding an internship and having a social life, I’ve come to the wonderful realization that Cory really is the man I’m going to marry and that we’ll be spending the rest of our lives together, I finally started giving financially at my church even though I don’t have the money to do so, and my mom informed me that shes pretty much finished supporting me after the summer ends.
It’s strange that all of these changes are so financially loaded. Today I gave my church the last 15 dollars I had in my checking account until the 19th. I’ve never been in a position where my checking account has been at a literal zero, and especially for that long, and it scared me. But I guess it also excited me. I’ve always had to struggle a bit financially, but never really to this extent. Even though I don’t have a lot of money now, I feel richer than I ever have. Today I looked around at everything I had and felt a new sense of appreciation for everything. I don’t feel right calling myself poor because I feel so rich in my relationships and possessions. I’m still able to feed and clothe myself, to go out occasionally with the ones I love, to pay for gas and rent (soon), to have shelter, to shower and so many other things… Though my stress level is higher than it’s ever been, I also feel humbled by the ways that God somehow always provides for me, even if it’s last second.
If you want my time, take it. My money-take it. I just want to be a servant to the people who need things so much more than I ever will. Even in my “struggle” I have so much to give. We all do.